What the F--k, Ryan Freel?

I hate you Ryan Freel. I really think your soul is full of darkness, your heart and its aortas as frosty as Satan's. You wanna know why I am saying this? Do you, you little piece of shit? I put you in my fantasy baseball lineup all the time. All the fucking time. What do you contribute? Almost nothing. An occasional steal isn't enough for my squad, Ryan, it isn't enough. You think you are so cool by being eligible at 2B, 3B, and OF? Well you aren't fucking cool. I benched you tonight because you were sucking immensely. I played Freddy Sanchez in your place, you waste of space. What does Freddy Sanchez do? Oh...how about he didn't even fucking play. Already screwed once, I hoped you would fail again because your stats wouldn't count for tonight. Instead, like the rat fink turd you are, you got 4 motherfucking hits! In 4 fucking at bats! That's a 1.000 batting average, you community college reject. You even had the audacity to throw in a fucking double (like the only one you've hit this year) to piss me off even more.

You know what Ryan? I've had enough of this bullshit. I'm way too old for this. You wanna hit only when you sit on my bench, fine. The next place you will be hitting is on the waiver wire which is as cold and lonely as a witch's tit. I'm going to give you one more chance. Tommorow night I will play you at second base. Your ass in on the line. Produce, or go home. And if I ever see another 4-4 game on my bench, I will personally fly to Cincinatti and tell Adam Dunn that you fucked his mother extra rough. By the end of the day, your vertebrae will be in fifty different pieces and your urine will be as red as fucking wine.

That's all I have to say, Ryan. Don't fuck me over again.