How Alex Rodriguez Can Finally Win Over the Fans of New York

I am a Yankee fan and I appreciate Alex Rodriguez's work. He is good at hitting baseballs. In fact, I will argue that he is better at playing baseball than 99.86% of the world. However, some fans do not think this is true. They think he is not "clutch" or a "true Yankee" or a "true champion" like Derek Sanderson Jeter, aka "captain intangibles." Because of this perception, I am afraid there is only one scenario in which Alex Rodriguez can truly keep Yankee fans from doubting his greatness. Observe...

It is game seven of the 2007 World Series. Game freaking seven. There are two outs in the ninth inning. The Yankees are facing the Mets, their hated cross-town rivals who they are told to hate because they are from smelly Queens and are New York rivals even though none of the players are actually from New York nor care about this rivalry. Billy Wagner is on the mound and the score is 4-1 in favor of the NY Mets. Wagner has just struck out Derek Jeter and Bobby Abreu on 102 MPH fastballs. Alex Rodriguez is at the plate and the bases are loaded. Despite batting .450 in the ALCS and .395 in the World Series, he is still deemed not clutch because non of the homeruns came in the ninth or tenth innings off of side-arm throwing Asian pitchers and non of the homeruns healed America in anyway. A-Rod swings and misses at the first pitch from Wagner. This prompts Tim McCarver, who is commenting on the game, to talk about a random at bat he had in Spring Training in 1968. Wagner then winds up again, throwing a 100 mph fastball that A-Rod fouls back for strike two.

Down to his final strike of the World Series, A-Rod's at bat prompts Steve Phillips to begin a poorly-written column for ESPN.com about how A-Rod is a failure at life and should be demoted to Double A to be taught intangibles and leadership by intangibles head coach Luis Sojo. ESPN.com's Jim Caple then has an orgasm thinking about A-Rod's potential strikeout. Meanwhile, a disgruntled Ben Afleck, angry at the Yankees and his multiple box office flops, hides in the bleachers and takes out his sniper rifle (which he bought with Matt Damon's money). He aims for A-Rod's heart, missing his mark but still shooting A-Rod in the stomach. The crowd gasps as A-Rod lies in a pool of blood. His uniform is stained red and he coughs up bloodied saliva. The umpire asks if he is ok and A-Rod says "no" but the umpire doesn't care and says "play ball!" Despite blacking out and bleeding profusely on home plate, A-Rod decides to continue the at bat. Billy Wagner prays to the pagan Gods of lightning, who grant him the power to throw a fastball at 5,000 mph. The pitch whizzes toward A-Rod but instead of being a loser and a choker, the bloodied A-Rod swings, breaking his bat and hitting the ball out of Yankee Stadium.

The ball lands in Iraq, blowing up into fairy dust which only kills Iraqis and terrorist insurgents. A-Rod jogs around the bases spitting up bile from his liver. However, he is hero because he has won the World Series and the War on Terror. The fairy dust that exploded from his ball turns out to be a cure for brain cancer as well. Billy Wagner is sentenced to fifty years in prison for praying to the pagan Gods of lightning. A-Rod dies as he touches home because he lost 70% of his blood. However, he is now a True Yankee.

And that his how Alex Rodriguez can finally win over the fans of New York.