Cereal is awesome. No one can deny this. The combination of milk, flakes/cheerios, and sugar makes for the ultimate breakfast meal. Thirst and hunger are quenched simultaneously. You know what else is awesome? Baseball. More specifically, the 3-3 New York Yankees. Sure, many fans hate the Yankees but few can deny that they will probably make the playoffs again.
"But Ross, what does the awesomeness of cereal have to do with the Yankees?"
"Shut up, that's a stupid question."
"Ok."
"I'm kidding of course. Cereal and the Yankees go together like Adolf Hitler and anti-semitism. Or happy bunnies and Easter. Each Yankee position player has a cereal counterpart."
"That makes no sense."
"Shut up, no one asked you, I can say what I want."
"You're high again."
"Seriously alter ego, go away."
Without further ado, the 2007 New York Yankees compared to yummy and sometimes nutritious cereal:
C Jorge Posada-----Cheerios. Cheerios are bland but reliable. They are the cornerstone and backbone of the cereal world. Jorge Posada has been a consistent, healthy, and reliable franchise player for the Yankees. He isn't flashy and won't post hall of fame numbers. Did you see his Sportscenter commerical? Everyone is yelling "hip hip Jorge!" but Jorge doesn't care. He's too serious and focused on his work for that kiddy shit. But he is there. Just like Cheerios.
1B/DH Jason Giambi----Coco Puffs. You know what Coco Puffs are? Chocoloatly. Freakin' sugar and chocolate greatness everywhere. They're somewhat large, filling, but obviously not nutritious. Jason Giambi is big like Coco Puffs. His homeruns are the enticing chocolate. His high obp is like the great taste. But the strikeouts are like the shitload of sugar. His defense at first base is the eventual sugar crash you will get from eating too many Coco Puffs. Also, the Coco Puffs bird is always "Cuckooooo For Coco Puffs!" and appears to like partying (and perhaps doing bong hits) a lot. So does the Giambino.
2B Robinson Cano----Frosted Flakes. The flakes are like the average 2B but Robinson Cano is above average. He has the frosting! Tasty white stuff everywhere! Yum! When you look at a Frosted Flakes box it seems like there is so much potential for the cereal. And Frosted Flakes kind of lives up to that potential. However, there are warning flags. The frost isn't quite as amazing as it looks (Cano's high batting average is contrasted by his low obp). The flakes aren't super scrumptious (Cano's fielding needs work). Frosted flakes could be the Rod Carew of cereals but nothing is guaranteed.
SS Derek Jeter----Cap'n Crunch. The old mustachioed captain (cap'n??) leads by example. Ditto Jeter. When the Cap'n wants to take the kids on a magical pirate adventure to eat his cereal, god dammit those kids will follow him straight to hell if it means eating his cereal. Derek Jeter is the face of the Yankees and possibly baseball. The Cap'n is the face of Cereal. Jeter hits for contact but also has power. Cap'n Crunch has crunch berries. I needn't say anymore.
3B Alex Rodriguez----Raisin Bran. Raisin Bran is an all-around, five-tool cereal. The flakes provide the crunch and the raisins add the great taste and obligatory sugar. Alex Rodriguez has already hit 6 homeruns and is making all pitchers his bitch. A-Rod does it all, just like Raisin Bran. But how clutch is Raisin Bran? I sometimes find myself hungry by lunchtime after eating Raisin Bran. Shouldn't all cereals be very filling? Sometimes A-Rod and/or Raisin Bran doesn't deliver when it counts. Or I could be nitpicking and acting like a moronic sportswriter who says A-Rod can't make it in New York after he won the motherhumping MVP. The point is, Raisin Bran and A-Rod dominate their respective fields. Two scoops of raisin bran indeed, bitch.
LF Hideki Matsui----Lucky Charms. Hideki Matsui is a very lucky man. He was never injured in his career up until last season. He is worshipped as a baseball god in Japan. He is called Godzilla, a 300-foot atomic lizard who beat the crap out of numerous inferior monsters and is a complete badass. Matsui even owns a legendary porn stash. You have to wonder if he actually keeps a little leprechaun named Lucky in his pants pocket.
CF Johnny Damon----Fruit Loops. Johnny Damon is a colorful guy. According to Michael Morissey, last year he encouraged the Yankees to "free ball" for an entire game. No cup. No underwear. The lil' guy was unsheathed. Fruit loops taste great and bring a certain special quality to the breakfast table. Someone can look into your bowl, see the rainbow cheerios, and say "man that lucky bastard is eating fruit loops." Johnny Damon is that lucky bastard. Or the fruit loops. These analogies are really starting to confuse me.
RF Bobby Abreu----Corn Pops. Underrated sugar cereal. A consistent producer. Corn Pops might look boring and lame but watch out! Those mothers are crunchy. Bobby Abreu can look boring and lame at the plate too. "Oooh a walk," you might say. "Big friggin deal." Well it is a big deal, asshole. He fouled off like forty pitches to get that walk. And his obp is like .420 every year. Sure, maybe he wont hit a lot of sexy homeruns like A-Rod, but Abreu is a professional hitter. Pros before hos, as they say.
Sometime in the future I will do Yankee pitchers and Doug Mienkfdkakffdiavzzawicsz. But before I go, here's a special bonus cereal for a special former Yankee.
SP Randy Johnson----oatmeal. Old people eat oatmeal. It looks and tastes like crap. To quote Anchorman, it "smells like bigfoot's dick." I think the Big Unit and oat meal belong together.
"But Ross, what does the awesomeness of cereal have to do with the Yankees?"
"Shut up, that's a stupid question."
"Ok."
"I'm kidding of course. Cereal and the Yankees go together like Adolf Hitler and anti-semitism. Or happy bunnies and Easter. Each Yankee position player has a cereal counterpart."
"That makes no sense."
"Shut up, no one asked you, I can say what I want."
"You're high again."
"Seriously alter ego, go away."
Without further ado, the 2007 New York Yankees compared to yummy and sometimes nutritious cereal:
C Jorge Posada-----Cheerios. Cheerios are bland but reliable. They are the cornerstone and backbone of the cereal world. Jorge Posada has been a consistent, healthy, and reliable franchise player for the Yankees. He isn't flashy and won't post hall of fame numbers. Did you see his Sportscenter commerical? Everyone is yelling "hip hip Jorge!" but Jorge doesn't care. He's too serious and focused on his work for that kiddy shit. But he is there. Just like Cheerios.
1B/DH Jason Giambi----Coco Puffs. You know what Coco Puffs are? Chocoloatly. Freakin' sugar and chocolate greatness everywhere. They're somewhat large, filling, but obviously not nutritious. Jason Giambi is big like Coco Puffs. His homeruns are the enticing chocolate. His high obp is like the great taste. But the strikeouts are like the shitload of sugar. His defense at first base is the eventual sugar crash you will get from eating too many Coco Puffs. Also, the Coco Puffs bird is always "Cuckooooo For Coco Puffs!" and appears to like partying (and perhaps doing bong hits) a lot. So does the Giambino.
2B Robinson Cano----Frosted Flakes. The flakes are like the average 2B but Robinson Cano is above average. He has the frosting! Tasty white stuff everywhere! Yum! When you look at a Frosted Flakes box it seems like there is so much potential for the cereal. And Frosted Flakes kind of lives up to that potential. However, there are warning flags. The frost isn't quite as amazing as it looks (Cano's high batting average is contrasted by his low obp). The flakes aren't super scrumptious (Cano's fielding needs work). Frosted flakes could be the Rod Carew of cereals but nothing is guaranteed.
SS Derek Jeter----Cap'n Crunch. The old mustachioed captain (cap'n??) leads by example. Ditto Jeter. When the Cap'n wants to take the kids on a magical pirate adventure to eat his cereal, god dammit those kids will follow him straight to hell if it means eating his cereal. Derek Jeter is the face of the Yankees and possibly baseball. The Cap'n is the face of Cereal. Jeter hits for contact but also has power. Cap'n Crunch has crunch berries. I needn't say anymore.
3B Alex Rodriguez----Raisin Bran. Raisin Bran is an all-around, five-tool cereal. The flakes provide the crunch and the raisins add the great taste and obligatory sugar. Alex Rodriguez has already hit 6 homeruns and is making all pitchers his bitch. A-Rod does it all, just like Raisin Bran. But how clutch is Raisin Bran? I sometimes find myself hungry by lunchtime after eating Raisin Bran. Shouldn't all cereals be very filling? Sometimes A-Rod and/or Raisin Bran doesn't deliver when it counts. Or I could be nitpicking and acting like a moronic sportswriter who says A-Rod can't make it in New York after he won the motherhumping MVP. The point is, Raisin Bran and A-Rod dominate their respective fields. Two scoops of raisin bran indeed, bitch.
LF Hideki Matsui----Lucky Charms. Hideki Matsui is a very lucky man. He was never injured in his career up until last season. He is worshipped as a baseball god in Japan. He is called Godzilla, a 300-foot atomic lizard who beat the crap out of numerous inferior monsters and is a complete badass. Matsui even owns a legendary porn stash. You have to wonder if he actually keeps a little leprechaun named Lucky in his pants pocket.
CF Johnny Damon----Fruit Loops. Johnny Damon is a colorful guy. According to Michael Morissey, last year he encouraged the Yankees to "free ball" for an entire game. No cup. No underwear. The lil' guy was unsheathed. Fruit loops taste great and bring a certain special quality to the breakfast table. Someone can look into your bowl, see the rainbow cheerios, and say "man that lucky bastard is eating fruit loops." Johnny Damon is that lucky bastard. Or the fruit loops. These analogies are really starting to confuse me.
RF Bobby Abreu----Corn Pops. Underrated sugar cereal. A consistent producer. Corn Pops might look boring and lame but watch out! Those mothers are crunchy. Bobby Abreu can look boring and lame at the plate too. "Oooh a walk," you might say. "Big friggin deal." Well it is a big deal, asshole. He fouled off like forty pitches to get that walk. And his obp is like .420 every year. Sure, maybe he wont hit a lot of sexy homeruns like A-Rod, but Abreu is a professional hitter. Pros before hos, as they say.
Sometime in the future I will do Yankee pitchers and Doug Mienkfdkakffdiavzzawicsz. But before I go, here's a special bonus cereal for a special former Yankee.
SP Randy Johnson----oatmeal. Old people eat oatmeal. It looks and tastes like crap. To quote Anchorman, it "smells like bigfoot's dick." I think the Big Unit and oat meal belong together.
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