Hair Here, Hair There, Hair Everywhere!

The 2007 Boston Red Sox: Hairier than any team in the history of baseball? Perhaps. Not since the 2004 Red Sox has the world laid eyes on such atrocious head and facial hair. Some scientists have even classified Manny Ramirez's locks as a living organism. David Ortiz's beard-like thing has an atomic number. Kevin Youkillis has been placed on welfare solely because of the reddish fuzz sprouting from his face. Curt Schilling thinks the feathered mullet is cool. Clearly the Red Sox hair situation needs some further examining.

First, a look at OBP machine and Jew Kevin Youkilis

Yooks has a lot of class by donning the VT hat. But after that, it's all downhill. The beard screams either "Mazel Tov!" or "sir can you spare some change." It's thick enough to store an extra grilled cheese sandwich if he is hungry, but other than that I don't see much use for this beard. By July the pools of sweat on his face will be so immense that he will be depositing spare gallons in Mike Lowell's water bottle and giving the rest to malnourished African children. And of course, small animals will find the warm crevices of his beard too inviting to resist. "And here's the one two to Youkilis, the pitch is...what the hell? A small rodent, possibly an opossum, has sprang from Youkilis' beard and is running onto the field! He's escaped, ladies and gentleman, and he looks hungry."

Next we have Disgustingly Fat, I mean Big, Papi

David Ortiz has always been known for interesting facial hair. This year he has gone beyond the realm of interesting and into the realm of insane. What is that on his face? You don't know. I don't know. Theo Epstein doesn't know. I don't even think Big Papi knows. It's as if he pasted a flat piece of tar on each cheek instead of bothering to grow any hair. That's a Halloween costume waiting to happen.

And finally, here's ManRam

What do we make of this? Perhaps fiery serpents have laid their seed in Manny's skull, producing these frightening serpent offspring. Perhaps Manny's hair requires nourishment, just like all other organisms. We can even give those little guys a name. Or names. The red ones can be Jose and Abner. We can call the black ones on the left Big Mitch, Horatio, and Julio G. The rest of Manny's hair will remain nameless to honor the fallen lice who died bravely in Manny's scalp last week. Fortunately, the lice colony will continue to thrive, creating a harmonious society that is certain to last for generations to come.

The BBBC fashion task force decided not to breakdown Curt Schilling's feathered mullet because they believed society already knew that the mullet speaks for itself.