I Want To Be On the Cover of Madden '08!

A football player wrote in to BBBC asking to voice his opinion about the new Madden 2008 cover. We acquiesced to his demands and allowed him to sound off on our site.

Yo, what the hell man? Why aren't I on the cover of Madden '08? The Tank needs to be on with his fucking ammo and shit! Yo Vince, you oreo pussy, get the hell off of my cover. Tank Johnson wants to roll all over that. I'm marketable and can sell that game faster than anyone. Who ain't heard of Tank? Tank's all over the news because he gots what it takes. I played defensive tackle for the Super Bowl Champion Chicago Bears! (Ed. note: The Indianapolis Colts actually won the Super Bowl. We feared telling Mr. Johnson the truth) That skinny shit Vince Young ever won something like that? Nigga, all he won was some division six college bowl game that no one ever watches except Vince's ugly mom and maybe Lovie Smith cuz he's scouting prospects and shit.

I've been playing that fat ass' game since the fucking 90's man. I was rolling out with Drew Bledsoe's ass on the Patriots throwing bombs to that fucker Terry Glenn. I was designing crazy ass defenses like "omega bullet" and "monster crash 4,000 super gorilla." Vince was sucking his momma's milk while being raped by his dad. He's a loser. Tank's a winner! I been winning since my pee wee days, runnin' all over some asthma kid and his mom on the way to the endzone for my touchdowns. That's right son, the Tank played both sides of the ball like he played both sides of yo sister. But that's not the only reason Tank's qualifies (big fucking word I know, I learned it from the cops) for the Madden cover. My brain's as big as my one-eyed chocolate cobra. (Ladies know why they call me Tank) Check this shit out at the wikipedia site that has pages and stuff about sexy bulldogs like me.

"He (Tank Johnson) attended McClintock in Tempe, Arizona where he had a B-plus grade point average."

Tank demands that he play both offense and defense in Madden

B-plus fuckers! That's like five C's put together. Now you know how Tank had his assault rifles all orderly and shit in his crib? I know how to organize! Vince Young can't even take a piss without his agent helpin' him unzip his baby-sized fly cuz his dick and brain are small. Vince got like a 6 on his Wonderbread test before the draft. Tank got a 9. Again, my crazy math skillz are crazy. When I was in school in super-Math calculoid class the teacher was all like "what's the square root" of some shit and I was like "nigga I don't have to tell you, I'm Tank!" and that pasty fool would shut the hell up becuz no one gets in Tank's grill askin' questions. Anyways, my giant-sized brain qualifies me for Madden.

Oh yeah, I also forgot that I own on the football field. Fucking own. That turf is my bitch to hump all night if I want. No o-lineman in the league can stop me. Kids play Madden with the Bears and click on Tank all day cuz they knows he can get that quarterback blowing shit bubbles in his pants. No one can stop this nigga. It's all about respect, you know what I saying? Tank walks down the street carryin' the M14 and all the pretenders clear to the side. Only Tank walks the walk cuz he knows what shit is going on. And he knows he should be on Madden. I'm gonna call my agent and fly his ass to the Madden crib and fuck that saggy-balled fatass up until he makes Tank the cover nigga of Madden. Then he will know my super power that could get me like a 99 rating for tackling.

Yeah and Vince Young, you mine next year. I don't care if we playin' the Titans or not, I'm gonna mess you up for stealing the Tank's glory. The Tank is gonna roll his treads all over your face and then he's gonna roll through your house and leave the treadmarks on yo momma. Tank Johnson 4EVER!!!!!!