Babe Ruth or Babe Dahlgren?

Babe Ruth or Babe Dahlgren is a periodic feature that highlights five ballplayers/teams that are succeeding (like Babe Ruth did!) and five ballplayers/teams that are failing miserably at baseball. This is a blatant rip-off of Baseball Tonight's 3 up/3 down segment except I am discussing 10 players instead of 6.

*Note to all those who don't know who the hell Babe Dahlgren was: the other Babe played with the Yankees and some other crappy teams for 12 seasons during the 30's and 40's. His career obp is a robust .329 and his career slugging percentage is an awe-inspiring .383. God, you plebians don't know anything.

Babe Ruth

1. Alex Rodriguez- So he takes off his shirt on Letterman? What's it to ya? Right now A-Rod could hit a homerun blind-folded while taking a dump and listening to Crime and Punishment on tape.

2. Arizona Diamondbacks- Baby backs yeah! Black Chris Young, Conor Jackson, The Drew Everyone Hates Less, the other other Hairston, and Orlando Hudson have this sizzling squad at 7-2.

3. Miguel Cabrera- Miguel Cabrera did one of three things in the offseason: A) Steroids B) Steroids C) Hard-core weight-lifting or D) ate at White Castle three times a week. Is he muscular, fat, or just plain ginormous? Either way he is crushing the ball like always.

4. Akinori Iwamura- "Now Ross, who the hell is Akiwhathisname Iwajima? Is he that dude from Street Fighter who's always screaming "aduken" or some shit like that?" Another stupid question by the theoretical voice in my head. A good 3B in Japan, the now slap-hitting Iwamura is slapping hits like Darryl Strawberry slapped his wives. He's batting a cool .458, making all four Devil Ray fans proud.

5. Felix Hernandez- Felix requested that I post his thoughts instead of eloborating on his performance. "No shifty Asian turd sandwich can outpitch the motherfucking KING! King Felix bitches! A thousand year reign of terror on the fucking American League of pansy tampon-wearing ass clowns! You say you throw a gyroball? I eat three fucking gyros a day and I can shit them out of my ass faster than you can throw your queer fucking gyroball!" I swear that's what he said.

Babe Dahlgren

1. Albert Pujols- The legendary A-Pu is struggling. .265 obp and only 1 HR this season means A-Pu has to step it up or he is in danger of being demoted to triple A Memphis forever. So Taguchi's Ruthian power could make A-Pu disposable by May.

2. Washington Nationals- They have scored about one total run in all of their games. Their team ERA is around 147.45. Kory Castro is a communist. Dmitri Young weighs more than a baby walrus. Things aren't going too well in the capital.

3. Ken Griffey Jr.- Quick, who has more extra base hits in 2007, Ken Griffey Jr. or Ken Griffey Sr.? The answer is.....neither one! It's a tie you mental reject. Jr. has yet to hit more than a single in 27 abs. Even his seven walks can't save him from this list.

4. Adam LaRoche- With 3 hits in 31 ABs, LaRoche is upholding the glorious tradition of Pittsburgh Pirate futility. He leads MLB with 14 K's and so far is a true 2007 Babe Dahlgren. Go get 'em, Adam!

5. Lance Berkman- Mr. Astro usually can slug with the best of them. But he's hitting .185 and something seems wrong. Lance requested that I post his thoughts here. "Man, fuck this team. Hey Carlos Lee, way to protect me in the lineup, you fat asshole. Oh and great job getting on base for me, Craig Biggio, you sodomizing douche. Too busy focusing on your 3,000 hits and the fans sucking your wee little pee pee to get on base? And don't think that I forgot about you, Ensberg. You might not be a Jew but you're sure Jewing me out of rbis. Oh and also, Mark Loretta has big fucking man tits. What a loser."

Again, I swear Lance Berkman told that to me.