Santana to Twins: More Money, Bitch

SI's Jon Heyman (the Sports Illustrated version of ESPN's nebish, lovable, virginity-ridden John Clayton) reports that Twins ace Johan Santana has rejected the Twins' offer to add 18 million dollars per year for two years to his current contract. A club option would be included for the 2011 season. Santana says that he will not negotiate with the Twins until he hits the open market in 2008. Even though Jon HEY MAN! broke the scoop, I was fortunate enough to be the proverbial fly on the wall during Santana's recent contract negotiations.

Twins GM Terry Ryan: That is the offer, Johan. You will receive a pay increase that will bring your salary to 18 million dollars per year. A club option will be included for 2011.

Twins Ace Johan Santana: More money, bitch

TR: I understand that you want a contract like Barry Zito's. Unfortunatly, we are small-market franchise and cannot afford to pay that much for a starting pitcher.

JS: But bitch, I need more money. How will I be able to build a parking garage for my gold-plated escalade collection? How will I be able to buy a small Balkan country and rule over it as the mighty warlord, Johan the III?

TR: We are still offering you fine compensation for your services. 18 million is as high as I can go under my budget constraints.

JS: Mr. Rhino, bitch-

TR: It's Ryan. My name is Terry Ryan.

JS: Ok Tim, but my point is that the Yankees, Red Sox, Mets, and Giants can give me more money, bitch. The Giants GM promised me an offer of 70 years, 990 million when I go on the free agent market. He even promised to throw in the zebra farm I demanded.

TR: You might not even be alive in 70 years. What a moron...

JS: Bitch, can you even offer me one zebra? I'm getting a farm from the Giants dude and my agent tells me the old guy over in New York promised me 40,000-seat arena for chimpanzee gladiator games. And I can be the commissioner of the whole chimp-fighting league!

TR: Jesus Christ. Ok, how about this? I'll give you the 18 million through 2011 plus a rare albino zebra from the plains of Zimbabwe.

JS: Bitch, I want a Portugese sex slave too.

TR: What?

JS: And he better be Portugese.

TR: He? What? Who? My God...I don't know what to say.

JS: Good, because unless I get my sex slave, zebra farm, escalade garage, balkan country, more than 990 million, and a life-size bobble-head doll made entirely out of sour onion ruffles, I am ending negotiations.

TR: I think we can call it a day.

JS: Ok Theo Ringold, I'll see you later. Hey Manuel, bring out the Hummer! I want to drive around St. Paul and mock poor people again.