Please God, I Don't Want To Be Put In the Cryogenic Chamber Anymore

ESPN's NFL Draft guru Mel Kiper Jr. would like to share a few words with football fans everywhere

Greetings, fellow football fans. Draft Day is nearly upon us and I know you are all excited about the players your team might pick. However, I am not here to analyze the draft and discuss such top-rated players like JaMarcus Russell (excellent throwing arm, ran a 4.71 at the combine, can bench press 320 lbs., and is above average in the shuttle run) or Joe Thomas (strong pull blocker, adequate vertical leap, and can push a blocking sled 50 yards in under thirty seconds) or even Gaines Adams who can...damnit Mel, you're not here to talk about the draft! Remember that!

Sorry everyone, I know I said I would not discuss the draft. I want to speak to you about more grave matters. You probably are not aware that I only see sunlight three out of the twelve months of the year. Some of you might be shocked by this but other one-sport analysts endure similar fates. Dick Vitale is only allowed four and a half months of "living time." Pedro Gomez is forced into the darkness when Barry Bonds is not in the lineup. The darkness I speak of is the Bristol Cryogenics Lab, where many analysts are kept frozen in suspended animation during the off-seasons of their respective sports. I am writing you, the beloved fans, for one simple reason. I want to end this practice once and for all.

You do not know what it is like to be put in a cryogenic chamber. My family never sees me. My dog doesn't recognize me. I haven't experienced the glory of summer since I was 28. I want to watch something other than college football highlight tapes! I want to see a real college game. I want to feel the excitement of watching an NFL game on television with a few friends and a cold glass of beer. That stupid ovine Chris Berman is allowed to live in the open all times of the year! I want that too! I even remember that there used to be other sports played in the summer, like baseball and tennis. Is George Brett still playing? Was Miami Vice ever cancelled? My ESPN bosses forbid me from acquiring outside knowledge of other sports and culture. Please God, Jesus, or even Jewish God, help me!!

I don't know what else to do. "Zero Hour" is three days after the draft. In the past I have tried to resist it, I really have. The ESPN men in suits always find me. Each time the serum that they put in my ear hurts a little more. In a fit of blind rage I try to fight back but I am always dragged through the halls of ESPN headquarters, past that traitor Stuart Scott and that virgin Scott Van Pelt. It all happens so quickly. I am thrown into a chamber that is constructed of glass, quartz, and lined with steel rods. My mouth is gagged and my hair is filled with industrial strength gel to keep the roots from dying. Then it is over. A frosty haze fills my body cavities and ice stabs my skin like a thousand rusty daggers. My world turns to crystal. Nine months later I emerge, forced to write massive quantities about another NFL draft.

They all pretend it's ok. Berman is always ready with a "hey what's going on, Big Mel?" when I leave the cryogenic chamber. I give him an icy stare and reach for his throat, but an ESPN sentinel is always there to stop me. Do you know why I seem so perky on all of those draft telecasts? Because the pigs at ESPN inject me with adrenaline shots and radioactive amphetamines. I am always cold. The frost never leaves my cuticles and I am forever sterile. My blood is thinned to the point that any small abrasion might kill me. However, the insidious devils at ESPN ensure that I am always alive so I can earn money for their NFL Draft coverage machine.

It must end now! I implore you, the people at home, to rise up against the oppressive and totalitarian regime that is ESPN. Fight them in the streets, fight them in the forests, fight them in the Bristol coffee lounge! I want to live life, goddamit. Bring me freedom and great riches will await you! Not only will you have my eternal gratitude, but you will also win a free subscription to ESPN the Magazine (6 months), a free copy of Mel Kiper Jr.'s 2007 Draft Guide, a PTI coffee mug, and two tickets to the ESPY's. Fight with courage and do not hesitate to kill. Mel Kiper Jr. will be freed from the shackles of ESPN slavery!