The BBBC Guide to Old-School: Part I

We've all heard the term "old-school" applied to sports. An announcer or coach will often call a player old-school, using the term as a form of praise. Old-school players are usually associated with good work ethic, strong character, and a certain scrappiness or "never say die" attitude. What else constitutes an old-school player? We at BBBC have commissioned a scientific task force to analyze this issue and create the perfect formula for the old-school player. For your convenience, we have translated this complex formula into a guide. The traits of the perfect old-school player are listed below.

Trait #1. Whiteness. All old-school players must be white. White old sportswriters/coaches/announcers love to identify themselves with nonathletic white players. For example, David Eckstein is beloved by the baseball community because he is the consummate old-school player. He lacks height, weight, power, strength, and melanin. Thus, he is the perfect the old-school player. In addition, in the eyes of many in the sports community, Latinos, Blacks, and others are not hard-workers. They are hot dogs who like to listen to rap CD's, get drunk, and frequent strip clubs. Old-school players do not do this. After all, in the old days players like Ty Cobb never listened to dirty music or had rampant, unprotected sex. Instead, they beat up black people, cripples, and cursed at small children. And then they went home and slapped their wives senseless until they cooked them a roast turkey. They just don't make 'em like they used to.

Trait #2. Mild obesity. Not all old-school players need to be overweight, but a slight beer belly or man tits never hurt. In the old days there wasn't any weight-lifting, dieting, or sports medicine. The only medicine was a buttered bagel and side of sausage. Fans and sportswriters love players like Bob Wickman for this reason. Wickman has never been a particularly great pitcher, yet he was adored in Cleveland. This adoration stemmed from the fact that his blood is actually composed of gravy, not oxygen cells. Gravy blood=old-school.

Trait #3. Being born in a small-town. The sports world loves the small-town player. "Delbert Forgenzstonksi grew up in Pasty Nuts, Iowa. He learned to hit by swinging a wooden plank at corn seeds and having sex with baby cows. Because he was raised in a small-town, Forgenzstonksi has great work ethic and selflessness which he inherited from his father, who was a farmer, truck driver, coal miner, manure extractor, and semi-pro swamp boat racer. Father and son woke up at 3 o'clock each morning and took five hours of batting practice next to the old red barn which was thrice destroyed by raging tornadoes..." You get the idea. Old-school players come from small-town America because unless your town or city has a population under 4,000 people, you are a lazy fuck.

Part II will be available soon, you impatient plebians.