We Need More Fans to Run on the Field

Excuse me from not posting about Jesus, the contract demands of Johan Santana, or ultimate Japanese player showdowns. I want to talk today about the insanity that occurs when fans run onto the field, especially at baseball games. We all know how righteous announcers become when a crazed fan jumps the wall and zig zags on the outfield grass, avoiding furious security guards. They channel their inner Joe Buck, saying things like "this is so disgraceful" and "disgusting" and "awful." To avoid giving the fan on the field any attention, cameras will no longer pan to the action. We, the TV audience, are forced to watch the first basemen scratching his ass or the shorstop smiling sheepishly. This is horrible. I demand that not only the cameras show these attention-starved people but that more fans run onto the field.

A few nights ago I was watching a Phillies-Astros game in rainy Philadelphia. During the game, a fan ran onto the field and was chased around by security guards. Instead of seeing this awesome action, I was subjected to watching the pasty Craig Biggio chuckle. What the hell? I want to laugh too. Let me see awkward tackling by the security guards. Let me see the out of shape fan stumble breathlessly away from the outfielders. Who doesn't love the craziness of games being interrupted? I want more interruption. I want an army of fans jumping onto the field with nerf guns and super soakers. I want Manny Ramirez to have to spear some trashy bald guy trying to touch him. Then I want another trashy bald guy to hit Manny in the back with a nerf dart.

I know we can make this happen. We the common people can form organizations dedicated to fan interference. We can create 'Soviets', if you will, small organizations that are committed to deploying the proletariat on the battlefield. We can trip the right fielder, moon the umpire, or pour stale gatorade on the first base coach. We can even engage security guards in sissy combat, flailing at them until they realize we are weak and pummel us into the ground. You might ask why I want this. Why? For Freedom. For Sparta. (Um...ok I don't want this for freedom or for Sparta) I want this for my right to be Entertained. Dance, monkeys, dance and amuse me. Because the day we make Joe Buck cry from a righteous-indignation overload is the day we have succeeded. Now men (and women), I want you to come together and fight for what is right.

Misfits of the World, Unite