Monday, May 07, 2007

Roger Clemenspalooza '07: Suzyn Waldman

Due to the magnanimity of the Roger Clemens signing, the BBBC task force is asking sports celebrities to give their thoughts on Clemens coming back to the Yankees. Today's second Roger Clemenspalooza '07 guest is Yankees broadcaster Suzyn Waldman.

Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!! Roger Clemens is a Yankee!! This is the greatest moment of my life. No, forget I just said that. This is the greatest single moment for all of humanity! My goodness gracious, he's in Mr. Steinbrenner's box. He's actually there! It's as if he floated down from the heavens on a cloud of angel hair and baby kisses to save us all!

John, I know you want to announce the game in your irritating timbre but I just can't resist. He's heeeeere! Awaken, spirits of the spring, and sing our lord's praise! Oh my, my...I might actually have to meet and talk to him. Talk to the lord himself!! That's...that's impossible. I am unworthy to be in his presence. Did you hear, John? We can't interview Mr. Clemens because our sinful souls will not be tolerated by his piercing gaze of divine justice.

I am too awe strunk to go on. Who cares about the Mariners, John? Who the hell cares?! I mean, Roger Clemens has shocked the entire world by announcing his return to the Yankees. They should close the stock market! Close them all I say! Someone needs to arrange a Roger Clemens bobblehead day. Who's going to do that?? Jesus Christ, why isn't anyone answering me? Who is going to make that happen? If we don't act now, there might never be a Roger Clemens bobblehead day in 2007! John, we must act NOW!! Time is of the essence. The Rocket, I mean Mr. Rocket...I mean Lord Rocket cannot have his bobblehead day delayed.

Attention fans, Roger Clemens is now a Yankee! John, I know I said that already but who gives a flying fuck? Everyone must know!! Joy to the World! Joy to the World! Joy to the World! Joy to the world! Joy........to......the......world!!!!

Goodness gracious, he's coming to our booth! He's walking...like a mortal...like me. He's like me, John, Mr. Lord Clemens and I have something in common! What do I say? How do I act? Do I look stupendous John? If I don't look stupendous I can't please Him. He's sit-sitting d-down. I c-can't s-s-say any...

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!! Roooooogeeeeerrrrr!!!!!!

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