Tuesday, May 08, 2007

My Xtreme Baseball League Will Be More Xtreme Than All Other Xtreme Baseball Leagues

Are you tired of boring, dull, and normal baseball? Have you ever wished that there were two pitchers on the mound instead of one? Do you want to see the game of baseball evolve??

(waits for answer)

No? Well, The National Xtreme Baseball Leauge doesn't give a shit. Created in 2006, Xtreme Baseball is a radical (and batshit insane) version of baseball that includes two pitchers, two batters, eighteen fielders, lots of baserunners, and the potential for twenty-nine players to be on the field at once. Sound Xtreme to you, bitch? Good! However, this strange waste of time isn't Xtreme enough. We need more Xtreme pumped into this confusing game! You know why, punk? Because confusing is Xtreme!!!!! Hold on to your pants and try not to wet yourself as I present the updated version of Xtreme Baseball, reshaped in my image.

Rule #1- Not only will full contact on the base paths be allowed, but now it will be required. You wanna run through the first base bag without touching anyone, you pansy? Too fucking bad. Spear the first basemen into the ground or you are out. Keep beating up ballplayers to advance bases. And yes, weapons are allowed and encouraged.

Rule #2- A third pitcher will be added to the pitchers mound. The sole purpose of this third pitcher will be to throw as many baseballs as possible at the two batters. No longer will batters only have to worry about pussy fastballs and curveballs. Now they will have to factor in the 90 mph heat coming at their faces. That's what I call strategy! Also, the balls will be laced with titanium to create extra blood spillage.

Rule #3- If a runner is trying to score, he must have a sword fight with the catcher in order to touch homeplate. These swords will specifically be katanas of the samurai order. If the catcher is stabbed three times, the runner can score. However, if the runner is stabbed three times, he is out and denied any medical treatment for the rest of the game. Only homos get first-aid.

Rule #4- If each batter has two strikes, they will be permitted to charge the mound and challenge the two pitchers to a game of ultimate frisbee. First score wins. If the pitchers win, the batters are out. If the batters win, they are rewarded a base and given nail-guns. These guns may be fired without discretion.

Rule #5- In the top of the 6th inning, four wild rhinoceroses will be released from the bullpen. All players on both sides must kill the rhinoceroses with the hunting spears provided by their managers. Survivors of the rhinocerose attacks will play the rest of the game. All of those crippled or dead will be fed to the cougar pen located beyond the left field (or right field) bleachers. Crippled players may fend for themselves with either: a) rusty spoon b) box of tissues c) Fantastic Four action figure (choice of Invisible Woman or The Thing)

Rule #6- Have fun!! (Two umpires will be designated to determine if players are having fun or not. Any player deemed not having enough fun will be tasered at will)

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