Every Friday we at BBBC bring you a very special message from a professional athlete/monster. This week's guest is mutated dinosaur Godzilla.Stop shooting at me, you retards. I'm trying to kill this three-headed pussy and you keep trying to hit me with your missiles. Seriously, stop. Get the fucking Tokyo militia off of my ass, I got this shit covered. I am Godzilla after all.
Oh sorry, didn't see you there. While I shoot an atomic blast from my mouth that can incinerate iron, I want to give my thoughts on a few sports stories. You see, I love sports a lot. I usually avoid crushing baseball stadiums, especially the Tokyo Dome. I'm a die-hard Yomiuri Giants fan. I've followed them since I was spawned from a nuclear explosion back in the 50's. Fuck. General Hirakawa, if you fire one more ultra-plasma ray gun blast at my neck, I will stomp your fucking face off. Oh sorry about that, I try not to swear but it's just that this stingy Japanese military always feels the need to get in my way. They always bitch about me sitting on a hospital or something, even though I save the world at least four times per year from a galactic space monster or a renegade smog-beast.
I was able to watch a lot of the Warriors-Mavericks series this week. Wow, that was just amazing. It was an even bigger upset than the time I beat the first Mechagodzilla. That metal thing wouldn't quit. The Warriors' play was really inspiring. Don Nelson coached a great game, running the small quick players at the Mavericks who Ghidorah, what the hell man, what the hell? I am trying to share my thoughts about the NBA playoffs and you're blowing a goddamn lightning blast at me? You really are a dirty fucker. That's gonna leave a mark, you know. Look, it's all blue on my knee now. Faggot. Sorry for the interruption. I was saying that I really enjoyed the way Don Nelson forced Nowitzski to take all of those outside shots instead of letting him drive to the hoop. The Warriors play basketball the way it's supposed to be played. And what else can you say about that Oakland crowd? True basketball fans, really. When I rampage in America later this month, I'll make sure to only partially destroy Oakland. They earned it.
As that pasty small American Bill Simmons points out, the crowd can really make a difference in the game. I know what he means. The people of Japan rarely cheer me on when I'm going toe-to-toe with an evil radioactive space-mutant. They always run away, shrieking really loudly. Hey geniuses, how about parking your little hybrid cars nearby and getting on those rooftops to root for me? Don't you think I would've beaten Gigan more quickly with a little support? Even now as I fight King Ghidorah, the Tokyo militia, and the soon-to-be-arriving Anti-Godzilla Task Force, the only fans I see around are the crazy homeless guy who always sleeps in that parking lot and a pigeon who's either asleep or dead. All I want is a little Jesus Christ that plane flew into my fucking eye! Who the hell did that? Commander Owakaza, you are fucked. This tail is going to flatten your whole tank squadron. Then I will snap all of your bones on my nine rows of awesome white teeth. Sorry again, I was saying that all I want is a little support. Is that so much to ask for?
You will be my bitch forever and ever, King Ghidorah.Later tonight I think I'll catch the Yankee game. I've been a huge fan of Hideki Matsui since I ate his uncle about twenty years ago. They even nicknamed Matsui after me! It's so flattering, really. When he went on the DL last year I was so depressed that I sunk an oil tanker. The best part about Matsui's game is holy shitcakes, I am going to kick your ass so bad, Ghidorah. Fly those batshit wings of yours in my face, will ya? I think you're pissed off because you have three heads and no dicks. That's right, golden bird feathers don't count, you asexual fuck. Don't be a whiney bitch just because my phallus can't even fit in the Kyoto tunnel. I was saying that the best part of Matsui's game is his ability to drive the ball to all fields and hit lefties and righties equally. I also would like to point out that his left field defense isn't as bad as everyone says it is.
Keeping up with the box scores is getting harder these days. I'm usually punching the clock 9 to 5 (sometimes literally, I knocked down the clock tower in Edo last week) and I don't get much time for rest. Mothra is always whining about some new threat that I have to take care of. Sometimes I just feel like destroying Japan once and for all and taking a nice long vacation in Bermuda or some other tropical island. Boom fucker, I knocked your ugly face into that missile silo! Sit down Ghidorah, I'm gonna take a nice big atomic green shit all over your chest. Then I'm dropping your saggy ass in the Pacific. There you can think about being a loser with no friends and no penis. Raaaawwwwwrrrrrrr!!!!!!
I want to thank BBBC for allowing me to post my sporting opinions. When I bathe the BBBC headquarters in atomic flame next week, I'll try not to char your innards too badly.
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