Many of you faithful fans have questioned my managing in the 78th annual All-Star game. In the bottom of the ninth with the NL trailing five to four, I opted to let Orlando Hudson and Aaron Rowand hit with runners on base instead of replacing them with Albert Pujols. After Rowand made an out to end the game, the critics immediately second-guessed me. I am here to defend my decision.First of all, I want to reiterate to the fans and to the media that I am smarter than you. My brand of thought is light-years ahead of your puny minds. I can calculate more in my pinky finger than you peons can comprehend in a thousand millenia. You don't see what I see. Where you see failure, I see success. I can see all outcomes in a tenth of a second. Of the 145,641.6 possible outcomes in Aaron Rowand's at bat, 67,134.24 yielded base hits. For you pea-brained ovines, that is a nearly 47% success rate. I turned to Albert Pujols and surveyed his smooth yet fierce Spanish visage. In 154,654.3124 possible outcomes, Albert Pujols succeeded 67,043.14 times. For the math-challenged mental midgets out there, Albert Pujols could only succeed 43% of the time in that situation. Fools might ask how I could know such odds. Fuck you, that's how I know.
I am always right even when I am wrong. I have won a World Series in each league. No one, not even Lord Jesus himself, can question me. Five days ago Albert Pujols had the gal to question the take sign I gave him on a 2-1 count. After Dave Duncan administered electric shocks to Albert's nipples after the game, I told Albert that if he ever even thought of defying my masterful orders, he would find himself in AA ball. Fans and media alike, know now and know always that I am infallible. Here is planet Earth's hierarchy: 3. President of the United States, 2. God, 1. Tony fucking La Russa.
And one more thing: if you continue to insist that I shouldn't wear sunglasses in the night time, I will have Dave Duncan remove your testicles with a rusty, sand-coated dagger.
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