By now you know that the White Sox's Mark Buerhle has pitched a no-hitter, etching himself in the history books with legends like Bud Smith and Hideo Nomo. Buerhle only walked one and worked a quick two hour game. Perhaps he has finally rediscovered awesome 2005 Buerhle and ditched fantasy baseball-killing 2006 Buerhle. All kidding aside, it was a great job by the lefty. Seriously Mark, kudos and congratulations and salutations and whatever.I don't write this blog to praise others. I write it to piss you off. That's right, you. But today I am going to try to be less offensive by simply playing oddsmaker. Who will be the next pitchers to pitch no-hitters? I'll set the odds with the assistance of my odds-monkey, Dr. Orgasmo. (That's the good doctor in the picture above)
5:1 Johan Santana- Johan is the Sandy Koufax of our generation. He's left-handed and can buzz you with the heater or drop the dirty change. His name also sounds Swedish, which is a huge plus.
9:1 Jeff Weaver- Bums like Jeff always seem to walk into the no-no's. Weaver is just crazy and lucky enough to do the same. His name also sounds Swedish, which is a huge plus. (Dr. Orgasmo insists this is true but I have to disagree)
20:1 David Wells- The diabetes ain't helping the cause but the Hefty, I mean Morbidly Obese, Lefty might have one more magical start in the tank. He's a True Yankee and True Yankees never ever ever fail to deliver the magical goodness. (Dr. Orgasmo insists there are many Yankees who are not good at baseball and have no "magical goodness." The good doctor is a real downer)
50:1 Rick Vanden Hurk- Who? Exactly. He pitches for the Marlins, a team that already had a no-hitter last year from Anibal Sanchez. Vanden Hurk has the combination of anonymity and an amazing foreign-sounding name to become a baseball immortal. And yes, his name actually sounds Swedish. (Oh shit, according to Yahoo! he was born in the Netherlands which means he is actually a foreigner and most likely a fan of Bjork. Dr. Orgasmo has similar musical tastes)
300:1 Carl Pavano- "Pittsburgh, PA- Carl Pavano's first start as a Pittsburgh Pirate was truly magical. Pavano pitched 9 glorious innings en route to the second no-hitter of the 2007 season. He walked one and struck out fourteen Cardinals, looking every bit the dominating player he was thought to be. Pavano expressed joyful relief after retiring the final batter. 'After the Yankees put me on waivers, I thought my career was over,' said the right-handed hurler. 'But thanks to my loving girlfriend, my faith in God, and the sudden disappearance of numerous injuries, I now feel that I can play a part on this great Pirates team.' Pavano and the Pirates are now atop the Central Division, while his former employers the Yankees sit in fourth place after a 14-2 loss at the hands of the surging Tampa Bay Devil Rays..." (Seriously Dr. Orgasmo, go fuck yourself. That will never happen. The Yankees rule.)
10,000:1 Dr. Orgasmo- You are a failure, doctor. Monkeys can't pitch because they don't have adequate motor skills. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. (I must concede that you have excellent aim when throwing your clumps of feces. You're the Greg Maddux of shit-tossing)
